The art of personal hygiene
As the summer starts to get into full swing and kids are getting off for summer vacations I thought I’d dust off an old editorial post of mine and bring it back in hope that it may counteract what is sure to be a pandemic if this whole global warming thing is true and this summer is going to be a hot one.
I have noticed quite a disturbing trend within my local gaming store. The past few times that I have entered I have been slapped in the face with an overpowering stench. This has not been an isolated case either; I hear of reports from all over the world that other gaming stores are being invaded by the same powerful odor. I picked up my magnifying glass and pipe and proceeded to investigate where this stench was emanating from. A quick walk around the room lead me to believe that the odor was coming from a few isolated areas of higher potency. While looking at these areas for common themes, I noticed one similarity. There was a gamer that radiated the aura of Pigpen from “Peanuts”.
Now what would keep these specimens from such a natural thing as showering? Have they spent most of their waking life in the store, thus keeping them from a fresh water source? Common sense would tell me no, these people must have some sort of life in the outside and at some point of their lives been around a shower. Do they just not know how to work a shower? Again, common sense tells me no because the games these guys were playing were not for people who cannot operate a knob. What is it then, what drives these people to create their own auras where time and space seem to slow down around them? I could only boil it down to two things, laziness and the lack of shower taking knowledge.
Here now is my guide to remedy the situation:
Get off your ass and run some water through your oily skin. This is the first step to a better life. It is amazing how much just a bit of water can do to a person’s odor when the first few layers of scum are going down the drain. I don’t recommend looking directly at the drain though because the rapid transformation from crystal clear water to the murky brown stuff after it hits the skin of one of these specimines is rapid and looks like the sludge in a septic tank.
Use soap for fuck’s sake. If you are already wet why not put forth just a little bit more effort to make you smell as fresh as an Irish spring surrounded by dew covered grass. This also has the benefit of making you smell fresh and ready to attack the day. People will smile at you more, acknowledge your existence, and more importantly, you might have a chance at that girl or possibly goat you’ve been eying.
This I feel is one of the most important steps. Wash the oily, matted mop on the top of your head you call hair. Contrary to popular belief the hair is not a spawning ground for lice and other parasites. When combined: shampoo, conditioner, and a comb/brush will make you look more presentable, better organized, and as contributor to the betterment of society.
Another basic tip is to use a washcloth. This will take off the build up of paint, dead skin, and other appearance marring things. Generally all good things.
Shower daily. If you keep up to date in your showers you will make it a pleasant experience for the others around you. Also if water has not been your friend for a while I would recommend a few showers a day because stench like this works its way deep and needs diligence to get out. For example: have you ever had a cat pee in your car?
With these tips followed you will notice that people will start to approach you more, your luck with the ladies will increase, and you won’t be forcing an unpleasant experience on someone who happened to have had the misfortune of occupying the same place as you.
‘Til Next Time - Happy Gaming
LvT
